Questions submitted on this site will still get to us while we transition, but all answers will be posted on the new site.

I hate my job. If I quit, do you think that will give me the incentive to find something else since I’ll have time to look? Sometimes things work out in a funny way, so maybe I’d find something during a time of desperation. Right now I am unfulfilled and ready to throw in the towel. A squirrel monkey could do my job, and they throw their own poop at each other.

I’m of two minds on this one. I’ve never stayed at a job I hated, so part of me wants to tell you to go ahead and quit. But, I’ve also never left a job without having another one lined up – not on purpose, at least; not with forethought.

So, no, I do not think that you should quit before finding something new, unless you’re secretly independently wealthy and work only for fulfillment. Because even if you have savings, what happens if you burn through that two or six or twelve-month stash, and still don’t have a job that thrills and completes you? You’re fucked, that’s what.

I also wonder why you think you should find so much reward in your job. It’s my opinion that we should all work to live, and not the other way around. Work is a means to house, clothe, and feed yourself. It is not an end, but a means, and as such, why should it be fulfilling? I don’t think you should stay somewhere full of toxic people, or where you are abused or mistreated in any way. But if what you have is just a job, and not the means to inner peace and enlightenment, well – that’s as it should be. If a monkey could do it, you’re getting off lightly, aren’t you? You can save your energy for the activities outside of the office that will help make you a well-rounded, grounded, fulfilled human being.

Callie, Callie, Callie. The idea of you procreating is scary to me, so I’m going to have to side with your fiance on this one. You are not ready yet, not by a long shot. For one, you aren’t married. For another, your FI isn’t ready, and for third, you current plan involves lying to him. “We’re gonna do it sooner or later” is not a valid reason to do it now. When you’re in your 20s, a couple years can make a big difference in both personality and maturity. You obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, and your fiance is right to want to wait for that to happen before bringing children into the world.

Shouldn’t you be busy planning a wedding right now? Focus on getting down the aisle, then start thinking about kids. Living together and having good jobs are not the only qualifiers for being good parents. One big one that you’re missing is that both partners should be ready and willing to accept children. Sure, accidents happen and people adapt. But what you’re planning isn’t an accident. It’s deception, and it’s a terrible way to start a family. You and your fiance have a lot to work on before you should even think about having children.

How do I stop thinking of an ex boyfriend? We have been broken up for over 7 years, I am engaged, he is married. Yet, I still wonder about him and think of him often. I need aversion therapy probably! I love my fiance, so why do I keep thinking of this other guy??

First of all, there’s not really anything wrong with thinking about your ex. This is a person who was a huge part of your life for a period of time, and it’s only natural to occasionally wonder what he’s up to and how he’s doing. Of course, wondering isn’t the same thing as stalking his Facebook page, Googling him every day, pining over him, or fantasizing about him.

If your thoughts about him go beyond the casual “Gee, I hope he’s doing well,” then you do have a problem. Regardless of where you are in your current relationship, you need to realize that your ex is off-limits. He’s married. End of story. I don’t necessarily doubt that you love your fiance, but is there some part of your relationship that he isn’t fulfilling for you? When you think about your ex, is there a common theme (all of your inside jokes, the sex, the long talks about your hopes and dreams)? Maybe whatever it is you’re thinking about is something that you’re actually missing in your current relationship. If that’s the case, then you need to focus on fixing the present rather than wishing for the past.

The thing is, you can’t really control your thoughts, but you can control how you react to them. Keep in mind that there’s a reason you broke up. Obviously there was some part of your past relationship that didn’t work, or you would still be together. It’s easy to look back with rose colored glasses. When your ex sneaks into your brain, make a concerted effort to think about the bad times as well as the good. Focus on what you learned from that relationship that’s helping you with your current one.

Also give yourself less opportunity to think about said ex. Delete him from Facebook, take the old prom picture off your mom’s fridge, distance yourself from mutual friends for a little while.

And if none of this works, you’re going to need more help than I can give you. Talk to a counselor or therapist to get to the bottom of why you can’t get over this guy, and put wedding planning on hold. You and your fiance can’t have a healthy relationship with this hanging between you.

Everyone around me is obsessed with their weight and dieting. I have to change the topic a lot of times if I want to participate. If I came to a function boasting about a new diet I wanted to try, or maybe I lost 3 pounds, I’d get a better response from the group than if I were to tell them of a raise or promotion at work. What the hell, why are people so obsessed to the point that being on a diet is revered? It’s sickening.

Ugh, indeed. Unfortunately, your problem is not unique. There’s an entire week devoted to giving up fat talk (the second week in October).  And there are people all over the world who blog about this issue, among others related to size acceptance and feminism. Fat talk is pervasive. It is ubiquitous. It is also limiting, boring, stifling, competitive, and destructive. It reduces everyone who participates in it to no more than a body, and a public body at that, subject to scrutiny and evaluation by the general populace – all of whom have been told that fat is wrong, fat is bad, fat is a moral issue, and to be even vaguely fat is the worst thing anyone could ever dare to be. Fat talkers depend on the culture to keep them going; they depend on the fact that “everyone knows” how awful it is to be fat, and that weight is a choice, and that the pursuit of ceasing to exist – becoming a size zero – is an occupation shared by everyone.

So don’t back them up. They get positive reinforcement for this behavior from the other fat-talkers, and they won’t be expecting you to burst their bubble – or to point out the ridiculousness of making their own bodies their enemies. You needn’t be rude, but if you really want this to stop (and not merely to walk away from it), you need to point out that there are so many more interesting things in the world to discuss. You can throw some facts about diets at them (namely, that they don’t work, full stop, end of story). You can point out that humans generally respond poorly to restrictions of any kind, and that they would do better to investigate intuitive eating and Health At Every Size concepts if they want to improve their well-being. You can talk about how the BMI definitions were arbitrarily changed in the 1990s, and that studies have shown that being in the “overweight” category actually results in living the longest, statistically. You can point out that being skinny is not the same as being healthy. You can simply tell them that you don’t diet, and you don’t want to discuss dieting because it’s boring.

Most of these will stop a conversation dead in its tracks. They might stare at you and go right back to it amongst themselves, or they might ask for more input from you. If you get the chance to elaborate, you might consider discussing how making women focus on beauty and weight is a losing game and the product of a society that definitely doesn’t want women to ever achieve full equality. And then segue into a discussion of politics, or science, or a funny blog post you just read about anything but weight.

Or, you can continue to ignore it, just far more flagrantly. Bring a book, and start reading every time someone starts with “I was so bad last night, I ate….” It’s rude, sure, but honestly, so is being a repetitive bore who can’t carry on a conversation that doesn’t involve calories.

Unfortunately, you may end up just having to find new friends. People are obsessed with dieting and weight because it’s considered a moral issue; because women, especially, are brought into the fold of body-haters and chronic dieters early in life; and because as I said above, people hate the fatties. Not dieting is considered not normal, and you may just have to find a group of freaks like you.

Is there a way to ask someone on my friend list on FaceBook to be careful about what she posts? Every day it’s another announcement declaring that this particular day she’s going to stop letting people shit on her, or maybe it’s the day she’s down in the dumps and “If anyone needs a doormat, you have one in me!”. It’s getting rather pathetic, and if we’re not reading about the things she should really be discussing with a therapist, we’re reading about how big her breasts are or how much she spent on a tattoo and cannot pay her rent. Should I even bother saying anything or is UNFRIEND the way to go? In person I have no problem saying what is on my mind with her, even if she is sensitive about it. I just think there is a time and place for oversharing. FaceBook is not it.

Facebook has given birth to a whole new breed of oversharers and attention whores. Some people just don’t seem to realize that the internet reaches everybody. So what do you do when you’re inundated daily with poorly spelled rants about the government, emo whining, or potty training exploits?

It depends. First, you have to decide how important this person’s friendship is to you. If you’re BFFS 4 EVA! you should have no problem talking to the person and saying “Listen, I know you’re going through a rough time right now, but every time you post about how so-and-so broke your heart, he wins a little bit harder.” If they’re a friend you see socially but aren’t super close with, go with a more roundabout approach. Try “Don’t you hate TMI status updates?” or “OMG, have you seen that site LameBook? People are so dumb with what they put on the internet!” You get bonus points for this one if you actually submit friend’s douchy updates before you direct them to the site.

If it’s someone you haven’t spoken to since high school, or someone you’re not comfortable speaking bluntly with, then your best option is to unfriend or block. It won’t stop them, but you’re not really responsible for their poor decisions anyway.

And while we’re on the subject, here are a few tips to make sure none of our readers are guilty of Facebook crimes against humanity.

1. Before you post a status, think about whether you’d want it written on the front page of the New York Times. No? Well guess what, Facebook has a larger audience than the New York Times*, so you shouldn’t put it there either.

2. No one cares about your child’s poop. No one. Not even their grandparents. Stop posting about it.

3. The best revenge is living well. On that note:

3a. You are not teaching your ex boyfriend any kind of lesson by telling facebook what a jerk he is. You’re just making yourself look pathetic, and your ex boyfriend will be glad he dumped you.

3b. Complaining about your life doesn’t make people feel sorry for you. It makes people not want to talk to you, which is only going to lead to more complaining on your part. Knock it off.

4. Just say no to facebook chain letters. Do not repost if you love your kids/spouse/teacher/dog or if you support our troops/our government/some cause. If you cared that much, you’d take 5 minutes to write something original.

5. If you are going to post about something politically charged or otherwise controversial, make sure you know what you’re talking about. Don’t quote what you hear on TV until you’ve done enough research to have an intelligent discussion on it. When you post something people disagree with, you’re going to get comments. You don’t want to be the one who devolves the rhetoric to “Well if you cross the border illegally in North Korea you get shot.”

6. Proofread. Also, text speak is not allowed. If you can’t use the keyboard, get off the computer.

*made up fact, but it’s probably true.

My husband thinks he missed out on a lot because I had more partners than he did during college. So I suggested we role play and go to the bar and flirt with other people, just to get each other hot because I saw it on a show and it looked sexy. But he wants to take it further and try to actually pick someone up and wants me to give permission. How do I tell him that the line is drawn at flirting and that is it?

Well isn’t he a peach.

To answer the question you asked: Just tell him straight-out. “I am not willing to have an open marriage; it is not an option for me.” Because it’s not, and you don’t want to open the door to any sort of negotiation where he might get his way because you haven’t been clear. This is not up for discussion; this is a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to have the decency not to cheat.

But, oh, there is so much more wrong with this whole scenario. He’s making his lack of desire or opportunity for sex in college your fault, and expecting that it’s your responsibility to fix it. Simply because you had the gall to have more partners than he did in college. Did you two even know each other in college? (My money’s on not.) And when did personal sexual expression get to be some sort of contest? He may think that he’s just trying to “even the score”, but what he’s really doing is punishing you for being a happily sexual adult woman before he met you and decided to own you.

I doubt he sees it that way. I doubt it’s even a conscious thought, but his behavior says it’s definitely a thought. He’s pissed that you were a slut in college, and now he’s going to hurt you by being a slut himself, forgetting that you’re both in the midst of a marriage that began with a vow to forsake all others – and that you are a free adult woman who was entitled to have and enjoy sex.

Now, look, I’m not down on open marriages. They do work for some people. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry can all work for some people, given that everyone in the relationships has the same ideas about where things are going. But this isn’t that, and your husband is just being a sexist douche who thinks that he should be able to fuck anything he wants, because obviously you did, and that’s just not acceptable to him. It’s like you thought you owned your own body or something! Silly woman!

My instinct is to tell you to – in the immortal words of Dan Savage – dump the motherfucker already. But I’m quelling that impulse, because I don’t see from your letter that he’s done this before, or that he’s pressuring you unduly, or that you think he’ll go out and do it anyway.

So talk to your husband. Tell him that, yes, you had a good time in college – didn’t he? Ask him why he wants to go outside the marriage, and isn’t that something you two can work on?

You had every right to have and enjoy sex with as many people as you pleased. There’s nothing wrong with that. Remind him of that – and pray you never have a daughter.

Every time I go shopping, I feel compelled to grab something small and leave without paying. I am always worried that the next time will be the time I get caught, but it’s just so darn easy. Oftentimes, I just go into dressing rooms and add a layer of free clothing underneath what I am already wearing. You know, as long as it doesn’t have a sensor tag or sticker on it. I leave stuff in my food cart without paying. I try and go shopping alone because my fear is to bring someone and they get accused of stealing. Should I just try avoiding shopping for a while, or shop online?

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, and nothing I say herein should be taken to be expert advice from a trained mental-health professional.

First of all, Stealy, you asked the wrong question. Avoiding shopping or shopping online won’t solve the problem. It may keep you from stealing for the immediate future, but you’re not stealing because you’re in need or because you’re a career criminal, so avoidance won’t stop the behavior forever. That said, YES, please stop stealing immediately if you can!

You need to see a trained therapist to deal with this. You may protest that you can’t afford it, and there is an idea that therapy is very expensive, but it needn’t be so. There are many counseling options available to you if your health insurance won’t cover psychiatric care, or if you don’t have health insurance. Many counselors work on a sliding fee scale, especially if they’re connected to a free health-care clinic or other low-income health care resource. Google “sliding scale counselors” or “low-income therapists” to get yourself started. And if your insurance does cover it, huzzah! Take full advantage of that coverage.

The therapist should guide you through the reasons you steal, and work to address those issues with you so that you don’t need to resort to petty theft to either stop the pain caused by those issues or to engender a high that helps you ignore the issues. Before you go into therapy, you can start to ask yourself why you steal. What makes you think you’re entitled to have those things without paying? Does it make you feel smarter than the store staff to get away with it – as if you’ve put one over on them? Do you think the stores are ripping everyone off, and therefore it’s okay if you do the same to them? Answering questions like those will help you and your therapist narrow down your reasons for shoplifting.

Persevere until you find a good therapist that you connect with. Refuse to see anyone who wants to refer you back to your primary care physician for a pill that will “fix” you. You will have to be a partner in your therapy, be an active patient and help the therapist help you. It might be a lot of work – but you’ll feel a lot better about yourself if you put in the effort before the criminal justice system forces you.

Good luck. Please let us know how it goes for you.

Trying to have a party for my husband, but feel like invitations are too grade school. Not everyone has access to internet, so evites are out. Aside from calling people directly, is there a preferred way to invite people to a simple birthday bash and require an rsvp, whether it’s yes or no, to get an accurate head count for food? Is there a preferred timeline for all of this?????

Take a deep breath. Hold it. Let it out. Do that again.

Feeling more calm? Like, by four question marks’ worth? Yes? Then let’s begin.

Invitations are the only way to get a semi-accurate headcount for the party. There’s nothing juvenile about  a nice little square of cardstock that says who, what, where, and when, and asks for a response. Don’t use fill-in-the-blanks or anything with clowns, race cars, or balloons on it, and you’ll be fine on that front. (For our other readers: Evites are perfectly acceptable for a casual occasion, in my opinion, if all your guests are tech-savvy and have access. Otherwise, yes, go with paper.)

Most caterers will give you a date by which they need your final count and your full payment or final balance due, usually 1-2 weeks before the event. If you’re cooking yourself, use the same formula. Send your invitations 3-4 weeks ahead of the date of the party, request a response 1-2 weeks before, and use that extra 1-2 weeks to follow up with people who haven’t responded (and there will be at least a few, trust me.).  Nail down your absolute final count within a few days of the party, and double-check your supplies (or check with your party supply provider) no later than the day before the party. If you’re doing everything yourself, make sure you have everything you’ll need ready to go the day before, so that the day of, all you need to do is set up, dress up, and party down.

My boyfriend of 6 months proposed to me just a few weeks ago. Yay! But now he wants to move in together before the wedding, and thinks we should have a secret wedding so we don’t have to live in sin, but I really wanted the big wedding. I already started planning a wedding for next summer, but he’s insisting on going through with this one. Part of me thinks it will be a lot of fun to have a secret marriage, but I am wondering if it will interfere with my real wedding next summer? Will the wedding be legal or will we be considered married twice which is against the law? So confused.

To answer the question you’re asking, secret weddings are never okay. You can’t do it. No church will marry you if you’re already married. If you’re planning a civil ceremony for the big wedding, I suppose it can be faked, but it would be very tacky. The truth will come out, and how will your guests feel when they realize that all they’ve witnessed is a farce? Tell Kev that there is absolutely no way you can have a secret wedding.

In fact, I would highly suggest you not have a wedding at all. Sometimes I like to play a little game called “Count the Red Flags.” Everyone see how many you can come up with.

Got your answer? Okay.

I counted 6. Kev’s Princess, I think you have a little problem here.

1. You’ve only been together for 6 months. My father always told me that you have to experience something through all four seasons before you make a permanent decision. You’ve only made it through 2. I know, I know. Everyone has a story of that special couple who got married the week they met, and against all odds stayed married for 50 years. This is an exception. A MAJOR exception. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re one of them. In order to make such a major decision in such a short time and make it work, you need to be self-actualized enough not to write to second rate blogs for relationship advice.

2. You can’t even agree on the wedding. Did you just start planning the summer wedding without considering when or how he wanted to get married? Wedding planning is a great time to practice the art of compromise. You two aren’t there yet.

3. Kev is insisting. It sounds like you’re at least willing to entertain his ideas, however bad they may be. He’s not offering you the same courtesy. This goes with #2. If he’s unwilling to compromise on this, will he be willing to compromise on the division of household chores? Major financial decisions? Child-rearing? What happens when he wants sex and you have a headache?

4. You’re looking for loopholes, and are wishy-washy on your values. One or both of you doesn’t believe in living together before marriage. That’s fine. But when you don’t believe in living together before marriage, you don’t live together until you are publicly married. Figuring out a way to have your cake and eat it too is not really the point of having values. And really, how strong can your convictions be if you’re willing to let people think you’re living together out of wedlock just so you can have your happy fancy wedding day?

5. There is nothing fun about a secret marriage. Keeping that big a secret from everyone you know is stressful. Marriage is about two people publicly joining their lives. If you’re skipping the public part, you’re missing the point.

6. The email address from which you sent your question suggests that you already have a child. Are these the values you want to teach your little boy? Marriage is something to be jumped into. It’s okay to lie to people in order to get what you want. God just wants you to technically be following the rules, your intentions don’t matter. What stepdad says goes, even if it’s not what mom wants.

Think about that.